


It's beginning to look a lot like a strip club

by notallbees



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Escalating Dares, M/M, Matchmaking, Mistletoe, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Stripping, The Avengers are bad at matchmaking, idiot boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 09:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2846216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notallbees/pseuds/notallbees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony sets up a new house rule for Christmas: you get caught under the mistletoe, you have to strip. The Avengers use this to try and get Bucky and Steve to realize their feelings for each other. It doesn't work out quite how they planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's beginning to look a lot like a strip club

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Это становится похоже на стрип-клуб](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3065216) by [wllzft](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wllzft/pseuds/wllzft)



> Soooo a couple of weeks ago I drew Steve [stripping under some mistletoe](http://notallbees.tumblr.com/tagged/art-by-bees), and was badgered to write a fic about it. Merry Christmas, folks! :3

\--

Some days, Steve reasoned, it would have been better to stay in bed. As soon as he'd thought it, he mentally berated himself. That was the kind of thing Bucky would say, having picked it up from Clint who hardly seemed to step out of his apartment without regretting it. Steve frowned. He liked Clint a lot, and he'd definitely helped Bucky out with his recovery, but Steve worried that they were a bad influence on each other in a lot of ways. 

He was lost in thought when Tony's voice interrupted him. "Whadda ya say, Cap? Deciding vote's yours."

Steve looked up from his abandoned bowl of cereal to find Tony, Natasha, and Sam all watching him curiously. "Uh, sorry. I missed the question."

Tony groaned, but Sam jumped in for him. "Whether or not we should house rule the mistletoe this year." 

"Strip mistletoe!" Tony announced, looking delighted with himself. "You get caught under it, you gotta pick an item of clothing for the other person to remove. Gotta be visible, obviously, you can't just make them take off their bra if they're fully dressed."

"No," Steve said decisively. He couldn't think of anything _worse_ than being forced to tell his teammates to undress. It was bad enough that they all thought he was a prude, _which he wasn't_ , but it was a different matter trying to work with people you'd seen half naked. "Definitely not."

Sam grinned and raised his hand for a fist bump. "Attaboy."

"Wait, I didn't vote yet," Natasha said, smiling sweetly at them. "I think it's a great idea. I vote yes."

"Yes!" Tony yelled, punching the air, while Sam dropped his head onto the counter.

"I'm moving back to DC," he moaned.

Steve scowled at her. "So, we're back to square one."

"Not quite. I vote yes." 

They all looked round, surprised - except for Natasha - in time to see Bucky get up from one of the couches and stalk over to the breakfast bar. 

"Have you been there this whole time?" Steve asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

Bucky grinned. "Yup."

"I thought you were in the gym."

His smile widened. "Nope."

Steve huffed, but Bucky just reached over and grabbed his cereal bowl from him. "Anyway, now you got your vote. Strip mistletoe it is." He winked at Steve, then picked up a spoon and trudged out of the room to finish Steve's cereal somewhere else.

Sam looked at Natasha, who shrugged. Steve pretended not to see them. "Well, _I'm_ going to the gym. Tony, there better not be any mistletoe within fifty feet of my apartment, I swear before Christ."

As he was leaving the room, he heard Tony ask in a low voice, "Okay, you guys saw that, right?"

Steve scowled.

\--

Predictably, the teasing started the very next day.

"Hey, Cap. You're not still dating Sharon, are you?" 

Steve looked up from his laptop and scowled at Clint. "Not that it's anyone's business," he said testily, "but no." Clint looked pleased, and Steve noticed that he exchanged a wink with Tony. Steve let his scowl deepen and run his tongue over one of his canines. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Clint said, shrugging and going back to his magazine. It looked like it was probably one of Kate's, but she seemed to get more mail to his apartment than Clint did. Tony, on the other hand, was just getting warmed up. 

"How d'you feel about blind dates, Rogers?"

Steve shook his head. "No."

"Good thing we're not setting you up then," Clint said, not looking up from the magazine. 

Steve looked at Tony, who was doing a bad job of keeping a poker face, and sighed. "I'm gonna finish this paperwork upstairs," he said, slapping his laptop shut and getting to his feet. 

"Wait!" Tony and Clint both yelled at the same time. Steve glanced over his shoulder, frowning at the pair of them. They were leaning forward in their seats, arms outstretched, but instead of looking at him their eyes were glued to Tony's tablet. 

"What?"

Tony glanced up, hesitating for a moment before looking back down at the tablet. Clint was watching it too, and at the same time, they both relaxed. "You know what, you're good. Forget it."

Steve glared at them for a moment, then turned and strode towards the door. He met Bucky in the doorway, and offered him a conspiratorial eyebrow raise. "I'd keep walking if I were you," he said quietly. "They're matchmaking in there."

Bucky's expression lit up. "No, really? Think they'd introduce me to that cute tech who works downstairs?"

"You stay away from my technicians!" Tony yelled from behind them. 

Steve clapped Bucky's shoulder with a smile on his face, but before he could walk away, he heard an indignant squawk from Clint and Tony, and Bucky caught hold of his wrist. "Sorry, pal," he said, lip curling. He pointed up. 

"Fuck," Steve muttered. He hadn't even noticed the mistletoe when he walked in. "Fine. Socks."

Bucky grinned at him. "Pants."

"Aw, come on," Steve groaned. He watched Bucky pull off his socks, and straighten up to shove them in his back pocket with a wicked smile. 

"Need some help there, Stevie?" he said, reaching out to tug on Steve's belt. 

Steve laughed and batted him away. "Get off me, I'm doing it." He unfastened his belt slowly, while Bucky rolled his eyes and leaned back against the doorframe. Steve was aware that Clint and Tony were still watching, but he ignored them. When he stepped out of his jeans, he picked them up and draped them over Bucky's shoulder. "Merry Christmas."

"Seriously!" Tony screamed as Steve walked away. 

"You're still supposed to kiss him!" Clint shouted, outraged, and Steve could hear Bucky's laughter follow him down the corridor. 

\--

It wasn't so bad at first, when he could just scoot off and slip on a replacement jumper, but then the amendments began. 

"Come again?" Steve said, looking up at Tony and Natasha.

It came as no surprise that she had been away on a mission for the first week of December, entirely avoiding an entire eight days of Strip Mistletoe. Steve suspected that Natasha would've found an excuse to be away for the entire month, had she not wanted to watch the outcome in person. 

"Tony wants to house rule the mistletoe."

"I thought we already did that."

Tony rolled his eyes dramatically. "Yeah, Cap, but everyone keeps acting like total pussies and getting dressed again as soon as they can."

Steve sipped his coffee. "Maybe you oughta turn the heat up."

"New rule!" Tony said, ignoring him. "From now on, whatever you're wearing when you leave your apartment in the morning, you can't put any new clothes on for the rest of the day."

"Are you trying to turn this place into a brothel?" Steve said, setting his coffee down a little harder than he meant to. "Or have you just got something against clothes now?"

Before Tony could reply, Bucky and Bruce walked in, arguing good-naturedly about something. _Debating_ was more like it. They had probably just been meditating or drinking tea that smelled like feet or something, because Bucky looked soft and dazed, and he was only wearing sweatpants and a loose t-shirt. Steve felt his mouth go dry at the sight of him. 

"Hey, Sport," Bucky said, breaking away when he spotted Steve and walking over to him. He ruffled Steve's hair and dropped into the seat beside him. "Wanna get some food later?"

Tony snorted. "What, we're not invited? Is it pensioner's night again?"

Bucky turned to look at him. "You don't laugh at my jokes. Steve laughs at my jokes."

"It's true," Steve said, nodding. "He's funny."

"Sure, if you like gallows humor."

Natasha elbowed him. "You love gallows humor. Also, Bucky's funny."

"What the hell is this?" Tony said grumpily, scowling at them all in turn. "Are you trying to make me _jealous_ that I'm not invited?"

"As if you weren't already," Bruce said, reaching over them to grab an apple from the fruit bowl. "By the way," he added, glancing at Steve and Bucky. "You're sitting under mistletoe again."

Steve looked up. "What the fuck," he said, half annoyed and half impressed. It _definitely_ hadn't been there when he sat down. He glanced at Bucky. "Fine, whatever. Shirt. Pretty sure that's my shirt anyway."

"You wear each other's clothes?" Tony asked, looking bemused. 

"Yes and no," Bucky said, and hauled his t-shirt over his head. "I wear Steve's clothes."

"You wear everyone's clothes," Bruce said, rolling his eyes. "Keep the sweatpants, they're too long anyway."

"Wait, is that where all my underwear is disappearing to?" Tony looked around at them, horrified, and Bucky snorted. 

"Right, like I'd wanna wear _anything_ that's touched _your_ smooth, stuck up ass."

Steve cleared his throat. "Alright, alright, quit riling each other up. Bucky?"

Bucky gave him a slow, considering look. "Shirt."

"Original," Steve teased, shrugging it off and dropping it on the floor with Bucky's. 

"And kiss," Natasha prompted, raising her eyebrow. 

Steve rolled his eyes, but Bucky grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him, swooping in at the same time to plant a swift, chase kiss on his mouth. He pulled away just as quickly, and Steve could've sworn he heard everyone sigh in disappointment.

"That the best you got, Barnes?" he teased.

Bucky winked at him. "The best I've got for _you_."

They were still grinning at each other when JARVIS interrupted everyone to announce that an emergency situation was developing downtown and the Avengers might want to look in on it. Tony jumped to his feet, but nobody else moved, and he glared around at them.

"Um, hello?"

"You said we're not allowed to put more clothes on," Steve pointed out."

"You literally said it five minutes ago," Natasha added.

JARVIS chimed in with, "They are correct, sir. Would you like me to replay that portion of the conversation?"

"No, dammit!" Tony yelled. "For the love of – exceptions are made for super suits. And super suits _only_. Get the fuck out there already!"

Bucky leaned over and whispered, his voice tickling Steve's neck, "If you ask me, that guy needs to get laid."

Steve had to agree. 

\--

It was a week before Christmas, and Steve had miraculously avoided getting completely naked in front of any of his teammates, although it had been a close thing several times. Sam had been down to his underwear twice, Bucky spent most of his time in various states of undress, and Natasha had only been caught out once. Tony hadn't gotten stuck under the mistletoe at all yet, apparently, although there was one day where Bruce had appeared in the lounge without his slipper socks, which was almost unheard of. When Tony swept in a few minutes later, looking exceptionally pleased with himself and missing his sweater, Steve and Natasha had exchanged a look that said they both knew exactly what had happened, and neither of them were ever going to mention it again. 

However, he'd already been caught out half a dozen times that day, and was heading up to his apartment in his socks and his underwear, when he overheard some of the others having a muffled conversation. He wasn't intending on eavesdropping, at least, not until he heard his and Bucky's voices mentioned in the same sentence, and the same guilty tone. Frowning, he inched closer. 

"Are you _sure_ there's nothing going on between them, though?" Sam was saying. "I mean, I have buddies I'm really close with, and it's _nothing_ like those two."

"Not to mention it's none of our business," Bruce said, sounding tired. "Why am I here again?"

"Hey, you agreed they ought to hook up already." Tony.

"Yes, but I never agreed to be part of this crazy conspiracy to force them into it."

Clint made a thoughtful noise. "Can't we just ask JARVIS if there's any relevant footage of them-"

"No," Sam and Bruce said at the same time. 

"Not a bad idea," Tony said. "JARVIS-"

"Regretfully, sir," JARVIS said quietly, "my processors are currently otherwise occupied."

Tony let out a loud groan. "With _what_? When are they gonna be _un_ occupied?"

"That is impossible to say at the moment."

Steve grinned, struck up a loud, jaunty whistle, and kept walking.

\--

Steve was already in bed when Bucky showed up, already half-undressed and scowling. 

"Got ambushed by Tony and Nat," he said, shutting the door before pulling off Clint's hoodie and Steve's t-shirt and throwing them both in the vague direction of the laundry hamper. 

"I'm getting a little jealous of how much time you've spent necking everyone but me these past few weeks," Steve said, closing his book and folding back the covers on Bucky's side of the bed.

"Don't be." Bucky wrestled his underwear off and chucked it over his shoulder, before climbing under the sheets and rolling on top of Steve. "None of 'em even come close to you." He nuzzled into Steve's throat, pushing the book out of his hand. "I feel worst for Pepper. Also: everyone who married Clint."

Steve chuckled, arching his back to push up against Bucky while he wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist. "Yeah, somehow I've dodged that bullet. I think Tony's the only person in the entire building I haven't sucked face with yet."

"He probably thinks it'd distract you from your goal of boning me," Bucky murmured, running his fingers down Steve's side and making him shiver. 

"God," Steve groaned, trying not to think about Tony and boning at the same time. "Not to mention they think you're gonna deflower me or something."

Bucky pinched his hip. "It'll be a Christmas miracle."

"Fuck you," Steve said, laughing. He tried to squirm out of Bucky's grip, but Bucky caught his chin with one hand and kissed him, nipping at his mouth until his laughter tailed off and he moaned instead. "You think – mm, Buck – you think maybe we should just tell 'em? They're getting pretty desperate, I don't know how much longer I can watch them sweat."

"It can be their Christmas present," Bucky said, sliding down under the covers, trailing his mouth over Steve's chest as he went. "We'll get up early and let 'em walk in to the sight of you riding me right in front of a roaring fire."

Steve burst out laughing, and Bucky grinned up at him, spreading his hands on Steve's shaking stomach. "I dunno," Steve said, gathering his wits. "You think that's a reward for being naughty or nice?"

"Maybe both?" Bucky said thoughtfully, as he quickly stripped Steve out of his underwear. "How about you? You been naughty or nice for Santa this year?"

"This is warped."

Bucky shrugged one shoulder. "Sounds like you've been pretty nice to me."

"Oh, I can be naughty," Steve promised, sitting up and pushing Bucky onto his back.

\--

They didn't go for the sex show in the end, but when they finally wandered into the common room around lunchtime, everyone was so enraptured by Clint's motorized toy helicopter that it took five minutes for even Natasha to notice that they were holding hands. She elbowed Clint, who crashed the helicopter into the TV and he and Tony both swore loudly. 

"Before you get too excited," Bucky said, pushing Steve onto the couch and climbing into his lap, "we worked this out almost a year ago, so none of you gets a lick of credit."

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://notallbees.tumblr.com/)! Don't be shy; I love getting prompts and asks and general hi-hello-omg-that-steve-rogers-is-such-a-little-shit type messages :3


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